one step at a time, don't be living on the line.

Coffee this morning, mint mocha. medium. from the perfect cup. i recommend it.
church today, and some good hymns.
young heroes yesterday, taught some kids about homelessness and that most homeless people are victims, not perpetrators. one quarter are veterans, one quarter emotionally disturbed, one quarter hopelessly addicted to drugs (large overlap here with emotionally disturbed), one quarter veterans abandoned by the system, one quaret children children. Average age: 11-14 years old. so who are you to wave your finger?

this week in starfish, video taped some awesome dance moves and a new song written by amari and varren. ice cream and cake, ice cream and cake, you should never have a party without ice cream and cake. Lazerick started us off with the worm and a spin on his torso. that third grader can dance!
I also posed as a basketball hoop for more time than most basketball hoops do. It made my arms tired, and since there were four balls in play it was beyond terrifying.
Thursday was a valentines day party, and some third graders were being ridiculous so ms. hannah and myself had a talk with a few of them. during one of these, one of them said he was going to jump out the window and kill himself. depressing. I took him aside and found out that he used to not get into trouble at school, used to have fun more often, but his dad died right before he was supposed to move to minnesota with him. His mom doesn't let him have fun at the house, only on weekends. Most kids don't like him because he lashes out in class because he can't at home. It was hard not to cry, but i did when i got home.

I also talked to all of the third through eighth grade teachers and planned out a service project to raise money for the susan g. komen foundation. they were for it. good sign.

the olympics are on. i spend my time watching them and reading sybil, alternating by the hour. Sybil is a good book, about a woman with multiple personality disorder. she has sixteen of them.

I'm going to go buy oranges, ten for a dollar. some kiwi, three for a dollar. probably some pita. and milk.

January 24th

There comes a time when I need to run. Sunday was that day. I’ll admit, its been a while, but It needed to happen. I ran the three miles to the gym and then swam. I also realized that my sickness of last week destroyed me. I had to run/walk those three miles, and my arms weren’t pulling any water. I felt pathetic. I’m usually one of the faster people in this pool, but I couldn’t make it more than 100 yards before taking a breather.
The lanes are also tiny and I had to share, so I was right up next to the lane line. The creepy fat girl next to me groped me more times than could possibly be accidental. This did not help my immediate dislike of most fat people. I also thought she was an old lady, and then I saw her face and realized she was about my age. It was at this point I decided I would go lift weights instead of swimming. I Showered, dried off, and went to the weight room where I realized I couldn’t really move and the weight machines were really intimidating. So I left.
There is something to be said for walking down the street in shorts and a t shirt in the middle of January passing by people in their knee length north face down jackets thick wool hats. To make the juxtaposition even more real, and more importantly because I had burned more calories than I’ve taken in the past two days, I stopped and got a mango smoothie.
Flashback to Friday night:
I went to a store I recently found that sells large loaves of delicious bread for $2.50. I went to the counter to purchase said loaf, and the man behind the counter told me that I needed to spend eight dollars to use a credit card. I only had a dollar, and they were closing so I asked if I could run to the nearest Automated Teller Machine machine and get some money with which to pay him. He said I could just pay a dollar for now and get the rest to him next time I was there. I gained a little faith in humanity.
So today I went to a used bookstore and asked the clerk if he had anything by Hunter S. Thompson. He told me that Hunter comes and goes quickly, but he saw a paperback copy sitting on top of a row of books in the paperback section in the back of the store, on the second row from the bottom. He was right. It cost one dollar. Since I spent my last dollar on a loaf of bread, and he only took cash, I said I was going to run to the ATM quick and come back. He gave me the book and told me I didn’t need to hurry. I could have just walked away with it.
I’ve gone back since, and he remembered me. People amaze me. We all have such a great need to be loved. Some of us fulfill this by vying for others attention. Whether this be through arguing our point until we seem correct and wise, or showing off our bodies and working out. Some fill the hole with other things, drugs, alcohol, sex. Some seek women, men, or God. Some seek a desperate combination of these things.
And others have got it figured out. They give that hungry kid a loaf of bread for more than half off. They let him have the book without paying just yet. They trust the inherently evil stranger to pay them back. It’s things like this that let me know that there is a God.

good story.

Last week I became violently ill Wednesday morning at 2 o'clock. I puked many times, dry heaved, excreted, and cleaned the bathroom. I was fevered and weak all day, I didn't eat anything and was becoming mildly delusional. At one point I was sitting in my beautiful $5 goodwill chair that smells faintly of old people and soap, when my phone started ringing. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon.

I answered my phone, and on the other end of the line was Kiki, my partner in handling the third graders after school for homework help. I was still delusional from the fever, and I was fairly confused. I spoke with a few of the kids, who all told me to come and help them with their homework. Some even told me that because I had such long legs I may as well just hop on my bicycle and ride on over there, because it wouldn't take too long. Or I could even run and get there in three steps. obviously that.

I did neither of those things, and I didn't even make it to school the next day because I was so weak, but nothing could have turned that awful awful day around so much. I was so happy afterwords that i tried to drink some kool-aid to get some strength back. but alas. it did not work.

This week has been trainings and even a retreat back to camp duncan to learn more about ourselves and each other. It is impressive to see how the corps has matured in the last few months.

I'm so inspired, I'm even applying for one more year of below minimum wage, fifty hour work weeks. I hope i get in one more time, It would give me more time to develop some much needed leadership skills as well as mature me even beyond my current enlightened stage.

winter's cold is too much to handle

Joselyn is no longer with us.
Her brother Joshua was thrown in the snow by some other kids and then kicked. He told his grandma, who cannot pick them up every day to make sure this does not happen. the only trouble is, as soon as the kids leave after starfish, they only want to fight each other.
Today I told one girl it was time to go home.

"no, now's the time to kick snow on each other and fight!"

yeah, no I'm cool with that. I love playing in the snow. Sometimes snowball fights break out, whatever. But you don't cross that line to the point where a kid is crying and you're still kicking him.

And as soon as they leave the school grounds, there's not technically anything we can do but watch.

Some kids still cheer me up though. And I'm making a difference, I guess.

Yesterday I was walking home from a friend's house, and crossing the street I heard a car screech and then a different noise. I turned around and saw one stopped car, and assumed it was a fender bender. I laughed a little at people's inattentiveness, and turned back around.

Then I realized there only one car.

I turned back around and ran over to find a woman down on the ground. I asked if she was okay, to check for consciousness and whatnot. She was responsive and awake. A magical EMT came out of no where and off of the job. She told me she was and EMT and could handle it. Another man had called nine one one so I waited with them for the ambulance and carried on my way.

I called my parents because I had lots of adrenaline going and needed to talk to someone.

Also, they're pretty cool.

ticket to ride

Sharrod: Man, cheyenne get your fat nose outta my buisness!

Sharrod! come with me now.

Joselyn: Mr. B! I could talk to you?

Not now Joselyn, maybe when I'm done talking to Sharrod.

Joselyn: Mr. B! i need to talk to you!

In a minute, Joselyn.

Sharrod: man, I didn't do nothin' mr. B!

Come with me.

You called Joselyn ugly earlier and you just called Cheyenne fat. Why?

Sharrod: she was messin' with me first!

Drew: Is Sharrod giving you trouble? he needs to go home.

Sharrod: No, Mr. B! I'll be good! don't call my momma!


(A brief paraphrase)
Drew & I: Sharrod, do you understand that when you let Cheyenne get to you enough that you get in trouble for responding to her, she is bossing you around? She wants you to get in trouble, and when you call her fat or say you want to bust her jaw, she is winning. You don't want her to win, do you?

Sharrod: No, man. but she messin' with me!

She's winning, Sharrod.

Sharrod: ok, i'll be good.

Joselyn: Mr. B! I could talk to you!

Ok ms. Joselyn, what do you need.

Joselyn: I could talk to you in the hall!

ok, come with me.

Joselyn: up there was a computer lab.

It's not anymore though. What do you need?

Joselyn: It was before! when I was little!

I believe you, what do you need to talk to me about?

Joselyn: We could go in the office?

Hold on. What are we talking about here.

Joselyn: We gotsta talk about my behave!

Why? You've been a little talkative, but nothing too bad.

Joselyn: I was gonna be in trouble!

As long as you keep your arguing down, you'll be fine. Lets go back, its time to pack up to go home.

Joselyn: You could zip up my coat?

I guess so. come on, I have to go get the other kids.

Have a good day Ms. Joselyn.

Joselyn:Bye, Mr. B! my gramma come to pick me up!

I believe you. Go downstairs to meet her!

And that's how I get through stressful days.

weird fishes

Thursday:
a man in the middle of the road with a flat tire.
an old man, looking confused.
a woman stopped to talk to him.
we asked if we could help, she gave us her keys so we could drive her car while she drove his to a shop.
a cop came to fix the situation, so we didn't have to.

We were in the hood, and she trusted us. Why doesn't that happen more often?

Saturday:
I worked with some high schoolers working with some middle schoolers, and I realized how far I've come since then. It was odd.

There's this awesome man named Buzz who was working with us. He came off creepy at first, but then I realized he was just incredibly comfortable with who he was. when we were done he played us a song on the piano that he wrote, and the lyrics were so good I still remember some of them.

I love it when the world throws people like this at me in the midst of liars, cheaters, and people who think violence solves problems. We were working with the middle schoolers on team builders and the idea that violence only complicates. If you're from Holland, you don't understand how much this idea can change this world. Thursday two of my starfish were almost at blows because one wanted the others identical piece of paper because it was less wrinkled. It's the solution to everything. I don't like this. We need more people to show them peace, like the mystery woman and Buzz.

Instant gratification is also the problem. Or the want of it, more so. peace doesn't necessarily get you that piece of paper right away, but if i scare the other into giving to me I can get it now. If you ask nicely for it back, or for another piece of paper, you'll get it in a little bit or not at all if we run out. But no one is hurt, and no one is bitter and we can be friends. which is valued more?

that's just what I've seen. I get to start working with five kids during lunch once a week to talk about the reason they were suspended from school last year, and work wit them to make them into constructive leaders. It should be fun.

I miss the mountains, the water, and the trees. I miss the joy of non-complication. I miss the innocence.

I love the growth, the difference I'm making, the connections I've made. The challenge.

I can't have both.

"I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew."

This is madness. THIS IS SERVICE!

On Friday the whole corps went to a community living center in uptown for service. It is a few blocks from my house. I was assigned to cleaning an apartment with 10 other people. It was an apartment used to house single mothers who were getting back on their feet after addictions and abuse.

The walls were stained with ciggarettes and thecarpets ahd burn marks all over them.

We scrubbed the walls throughout the house, and cleaned the kitchen thoroughly. We moved back the oven and the walls were so splattered with food that I had to use steel wool to scrub it off. Some paint came with it. It was nasty. I got service on my boots. meaning they are stained with cleaning solvent.

Here's a picture of me and the wall behind the oven:

also I got a haircut last week.

Saturday was CTA service day. I rode the holiday train from Howard on the red line to 95th. Those are on either end of the red line. I handed out candy canes. Two little boys sang me the chipmunk song, and then shook my hand when they left the train. There was a flatcar on the train that santa was riding, and you could get your picture taken with him. It was pretty cool.
I have a picture of me on the train, but it won't upload.

I was wearing an elf hat.

Last night I went to a GirlTalk concert, which was some of the best music I've heard in a while. It was loud, though. I got in with the first 250 people so I got to be on the dancefloor, which was way cooler than sitting in the seats. For those of you who don't know, GirlTalk samples music from a bunch of different songs and puts them together to make new ones. He is really good at it.